Something is always missing," Karla said. "In the beginning of the relationship I never suspect it's going to turn out this way again. He always seems like the perfect one, finally. We're happy, excited, deeply in love, and then - reality sets in. Little traits of his start to annoy me. He forgets to call when he says he will. I start wondering who he really is? Our time together becomes run-of-the- mill, and the thrill of seeing him disappears. I look at him and wonder what I loved. Suddenly he's a stranger, and I'm a stranger to myself as well. I don't feel beautiful anymore. The light has gone from my eyes."

Of course the light can never leave Karla, but her experience is that something vital has disappeared. This happened because she was living in the grip of counterfeit love, responding to an illusion. Karla initially saw her boyfriend as perfect. She most likely knew little about him, only about her dream of him. Was she ever able to actually see or touch the real him? Did she see the part of him that is perfect, his true self?


Falling In Love With Our Fantasies


What Karla loved was her fantasy about her boyfriend, not him. All fantasies fade, they have to - that is the nature of dreams. In the beginning the fantasy felt wonderful, though, and the beauty of it reflected upon her. She must also be perfect, she thought -- if someone like him could love her. Then reality set in.


To Karla, reality could never be perfect - only fantasy. Reality was an enemy. Daily life is an opponent of fantasy, it always forces us to be who we are and see what is before us, whether we like it or not. Karla did not like reality, and blamed it upon her boyfriend, not upon her own unwillingness to be with life as it is. Zen practice teaches the art of being with life as it is.


Like Karla, a young Zen student was shocked when she learned things about a senior student she had not known before. In a state of anxiety, she talked to a friend. "I loved him so much," she said. "I thought he as so beautiful, so perfect. Now my dreams are smashed."


The friend looked at her slowly. "You didn't love him at all," she said. "You loved your fantasies about him. If you can know the whole truth, and still love him, then that is really love."

Karla was unable to love the truth of life, to see the real beauty surrounding her. When we are ready to wake up from fantasies, we find love and joy everywhere. This is the work of Zen practice.


"Kabir says this - just throw away all thoughts of imaginary things and stand firm in that which you are."


Throw Away Thoughts Of Imaginary Things

We have little idea how to throw away imaginary thoughts and false expectations. We go to relationships with many demands and expectations. When these expectations are not met, the so-called love we have been feeling turns to hate, resentment, or feeling we have been made a fool of. Living in this manner, it is difficult to encounter real love.


When this pattern repeats too many times, some become unable to be in a relationship and live protecting themselves from failure and pain. These individuals may not be aware of the deeper problem -- that they have been caught in the grip of counterfeit love, which grabs its victims and leave them emptier than before.


Counterfeit Love

Let us stop and look more deeply at this source of pain in relationships. Counterfeit love includes the idea that love is a feeling, not a way of life. It is confusion between excitement, dependence, attachment, and love. Real love does not fluctuate. There is no rejection of another person if they do not meet our needs. The nature of our relationship with them may change, but we do not hate or become bitter.


In counterfeit love, when we have strong feelings towards someone, we immediately assume that we are in love. As all feelings change most people are convinced that love cannot last. They do not realize that it is the nature of feelings to change, and also the nature of counterfeit love. Real love never discards anybody; it knows and accepts that true relationship is based upon something deeper than feelings that come and go.